In 2000, doctors in Israel went on strike. The death rate dropped so precipitously that funeral directors complained. As the government shutdown continues & our lives remain noticeably unchanged, watch the rats scramble to right the ship lest we realize we do not in fact need them at all. As someone more powerful than i once said, sit back relax & enjoy the ride, or die trying:

January 1: Shooting ourselves in the foot, figuratively & literally; roadkill on the information superhighway

Americans ring in the new year by accidentally shooting selves, others

"Let's make a deal?" Trump offers olive branch in shutdown talks

Hackers threaten to expose 9/11 truth

Gentlemen, start your engines - and grills: Oregon legalizes eating roadkill

Bill Gates hunting for new nuke partner as new regs rule out China

January 2: See no evil (in Afghanistan, the Capitol, or your own chromosomes)

Trump looks to end public reports from military watchdog after SIGAR gives him F for Fraud

McConnell vows Senate won't even read House bill without wall funding

Never mind the crumbling subway system & skyrocketing homelessness, NYC adds third gender to legal docs

China lands probe on unexplored "dark side" of moon

Netflix warns users not to hurt themselves imitating Bird Box - after starting viral trend themselves

January 3: House plays pretend; the Right hates dancing; antiwar senator rumored for Pentagon post; i can has cheezburger?

House Democrats scramble to be first with impeachment resolution

House Democrats pass bills to end shutdown sans wall, despite inevitable Trump veto

Too good to be true? Antiwar ex-senator Webb rumored to replace Mattis as Defense Secretary

Man promised free food for life sues Burger King: most American story ever?

Leaked college vid of Ocasio-Cortez dancing backfires, inspiring collective "awwww"

January 4: Not-so-immaculate conception; AOC not crying over spilt ink; Escape Room turns deathtrap; more time for Mueller; Ellen's audience does not forgive

Woman braindead for 14 years gives birth unexpectedly

Ocasio-Cortez gets more ink before starting work than most in Congress do in whole career

Escape Room in Poland becomes reality in horrific fire tragedy

Mueller milks Russiagate grand jury for another 6 months

Ellen calls for fans to forgive Kevin Hart for ancient anti-gay tweets; fans rip her head off

January 5: Child porn ringleader gets what he deserves; TMI from JK Rowling; TSA on grope-strike - will Drake step in? 

Child-porn ring leader serving 40 years for victimizing 100+ girls murdered in prison

Chamber pot of secrets: JK Rowling gives fans TMI about wizards' bowel habits

TSA calling in sick en masse to protest forced labor during shutdown - air travelers rejoice

Drake unpersoned after video of underage fan-fondling resurfaces

Trump admits 'no headway' in shutdown meeting

Ikea accidentally screens porn in Hong Kong store